Thomas the Tank Engine to get a darker reboot


It was reported recently that a new Thomas the Tank Engine movie will be made soon, aimed at a slightly older audience and I think we can all tell by the teaser poster where it’s going.

If there was ever a franchise that needed to get the ‘Batman Begins’ treatment it was Thomas the Tank Engine. No longer will the Island of Sodor be home to the cute, happy adventures of Thomas and friends. No, soon the brightness will be turned right down and everything made out of CGI.

I thought the stories from the early 90’s were already fairly epic, like the time Thomas’ conductor poured water containing fish into his boiler. Or the time there was a cow on the tracks. I can imagine what this new movie will be about: The fat controller has been murdered! But which friendly engine was it? Oh no, it was Thomas’ best friend Percy! You didn’t see that coming! Thomas chases Percy accross the Island of Sodor in an epic scene full of epic collateral damage that will epically destroy most of the island.

Percy will be right at deaths door, hanging from a bridge, and Thomas will try to save him because no one deserves death as a punishment, despite all those innocent bystanders Thomas ran over previously. What’s this though?! After Thomas saves Percy, he is betrayed! Forcing Thomas to kill Percy to save himself. It’s all over… Thomas is deeply affected by what’s happened but doesn’t let on. He has to be strong so that he may lead the other tank engines. This can be explored in the 6 sequels.

Toot fucking toot, all aboard the bullshit train.

– Jared

PS. They bleed oil.

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